


"War + Hell" explained, and other ramblings

by Desired_Misery



Series: Flourish in Blood, Deal in Death [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Chronic Pain, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drug Abuse, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past manipulation, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, author is a sick kiddo so updates are always sporadic, but also fluff because you have to be happy and sad together!, fibromyalgia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-08-12 21:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7950430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desired_Misery/pseuds/Desired_Misery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“A multi-POV fic focused on the intricacies of trauma, trauma recovery, the struggle of helping someone who doesn’t want to be helped, drugs as a source of self-medication, the surfacing of Bucky’s trauma into separate identities that hopefully does not insult or misrepresent those with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder) or PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), and the high stress relationship between a caregiver and the loved one.”</p>
<p>Think of this as backstory to my fic, “War + Hell”. I’ll have research links to different topics, the reasoning behind my thought process, and little facts or headcanons that I have but didn’t show in the original fic. This is SPOILER FULL of things, organized by each chapter and by topics. So if you don’t want to be spoiled, check out the fic first :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue Explained: "Monster You Made"

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [War + Hell](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4582734) by [Desired_Misery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desired_Misery/pseuds/Desired_Misery). 



> I also include full details of potential warnings/triggers for the respective chapters, so I’ll add those here, too. This fic has more tags than W+H because I hate a wall of tags on fics, so I moved a lot of them here.
> 
> This is very lax and informal, so don’t expect this to be super heavy-dull research paper like.

**Detailed Warnings** : If the warning/trigger appears as a flashback/scene rather than someone mentioning it, it will not have the word “mention” in the description. **Most of these warnings are only mentioned in passing, and none of the scenes in this chapter go into graphic detail**. I just wanted a very comprehensive list of what’s going on here, just to keep people safe.

  * **Abuse** : Physical, verbal, (mention) mental, and (mention) sexual abuse against Bucky.
  * **Body/Medical Horror** : Bucky has his arm cut off when he is awake, (mention) surgery he does not consent to in order to remodel his joints and rib cage, various broken bones, fucked up version of electroshock therapy/ mind wipes.
  * **Dehumanization** : The medical journal entries and notes do not refer to Bucky by name, calling him “it” or “subject” to distance themselves from him.
  * **Manipulation** : Doctors/Handlers describe ways to manipulate Bucky through bribery of food/sleep/water, using human contact and punishment in way that deprives Bucky of social interaction so he wants it more, description of Stockholm Syndrome,
  * **Non-Consensual Drug administration** : Hydra drugs Bucky with sedatives, specifically naming benzodiazepines (diazepam) as a drug of choice.
  * **Self Harm** : Bucky scratches at his left shoulder where they joined the prosthetic to him, splits his fingernails on stone, refusal to eat
  * **Suicidal Idealization/Suicide mention** : Bucky wishes that Hydra will kill him, (mention) it is alluded to that Bucky tried to end his life multiple times.
  * **Rape/Sexual Assault** : Members of Hydra talk about  wanting to “have some fun” with Bucky after he’s wiped (mention), Bucky’s point of view right before he’s assaulted (nothing is described, only before),
  * **Rape culture** : (mention) A post describes the original poster’s disgust that people believe Bucky couldn’t have said “no”, arguing that he was able to stop it if he wanted.
  * **Violence/Torture** : Mention of people hurting (hitting, kicking)  Bucky, (mention) waterboarding, (mention) sleep deprivation, vivisections, (mention) hallucinations, (mention) violence against other people that Bucky committed,



* * *

 

 **Song** : [“Monster You Made” by Pop Evil](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAZamiwxC3g) (link is to YouTube)

I really like this song, as it gives off the feel of someone who is lost and unfamiliar with who he/she has become. I thought it to be a fitting song to represent Bucky’s situation in the trial:

“ _Erase this monster I’ve become,_

_Forgive me for all the damage done,_

_It’s not over,_

_Say it’s not over!_

_I’m begging for mercy,_

_I’m only the monster you made me_.”

 

It fits really well with the rhetoric of Bucky turned into a weapon by Hydra, and yet he’s the one to stand trial for the crimes he was forced to commit.

* * *

 

 **Purpose of this chapter** : This chapter’s goal was to bridge a very large amount of space between the events of TWS and this fic’s starting point. Initially, I was going to write out a whole court drama, but I don’t know how to do that effectively. That was going to be a HUGE time suck, so I backed off with a collage of different scenes that hopefully made sense to what exactly what was happening at the trial. I kept the trial deliberately vague, so in case I ever wanted to go back to outline and write the trial scene, I could with minimal editing of this first chapter.

The scenes also gave the reader an idea of what Bucky was facing: the public animosity towards him, and the horror that would have happened once people realized what Bucky would have suffered through. Of course, nothing I write is a direct replication of any event or person in particular.

* * *

 

_Below is a collection of points I feel like it is beneficial to talk about or mention, including background research or personal headcanons._

Descriptions of events vs. evidence:

  * **Descriptions** : They start off rather impersonal, like someone watching the evidence being presented. As the chapter continues, the events are presented as more similar to memories, with more inclusion of Bucky’s thoughts and emotions. This sort of represents Bucky’s lack of connection with his past, but then it starts to overwhelm him.
  * **Evidence** : Described as exactly how the evidence would have been presented; clinical, detached. Some of the evidence comes from scientific journals or notes made by Hydra scientists (which is almost 100% pseudoscience bullshit, by the way. I’ve only taken high school level Anatomy.)



Let’s talk about Lukin for a moment. He’s the last of Bucky’s main handlers now that Pierce is dead. Lukin is only about mid-sixties now, taken up as Pierce’s partner in handling/conditioning TWS. He is only mentioned by name once, but he’s going to be important later.

  * Lukin was into behavior modification/conditioning and is the one who did the majority of the ‘research’ on the Soldier as a way to allow other people become handlers.
  * And, clearly, he’s full of himself.



Introduction of Bucky having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). There will be another chapter more heavily dedicated to this topic, but that will be later discussed in detail.

Lukin describes Bucky as having three different personalities:

  * **Aggressive** : This is TWS in complete mission/destruction mode. He’s violent and hostile, and Lukin notes that “malfunctions” are “more frequent” when the Soldier is in this mindset. It’s classic attack-dog mentality: It’s great to have a dog that wants to fight, until he turns at attacks the person holding the leash. He is also very perceptive and his adaptative skills in combat combined with high pain tolerance make him a tank in the field.
  * **Neutral** : Not described in the fic (but alluded to since Lukin wrote an entire goddamn book on handling TWS), this ‘personality’ is the most optimal one to work with. The Soldier is obedient, but not mindless. Calm is the best descriptor I can think of. He doesn’t really care either way what happens, but his personality can flip to passive for aggressive either way.
  * **Passive** : Again, not explicitly described in the fic, but this is when Bucky is scared and very submissive. When he is vulnerable after wipes, during or after after violence/abuse against him, and periods when he's drugged. Ideally, TWS is always submissive to his handlers, but other situations that overwhelm him cause this personality to take over.



So, this isn’t the extent of all the different alters/personalities Bucky has, but that’s what Lukin reported on observing. (As soon as I put together a chapter on DID, I’ll link it so you get the full-fledged explanation c: )

  * The mind wipes kept the alters/personalities separate from each other, breaking the neural connections so Bucky cannot form a cohesive personality that remembers everything. But during the trial and two years in prison, Bucky has been in various states of drugged-out from mild anxiety reducers to full on sedation. Both for his sake and for others’. That also dulled his thoughts and mind, keeping the personalities relatively well put together.



* * *

 

 **Author’s thoughts** :

Honestly, this is probably my least favorite chapter, mostly because I was eager to get to the story telling real-time. I wished I had the time and energy to do a fic over everything skimmed over in this chapter, but what can you do? I might post a collection of well-developed scenes when W+H is done, but who knows.

It serves it purpose in giving the readers the setting/premise of what has happened in W+H, so I’m not _that_ unhappy with it :)


	2. Explained: "Here Without You"

**Detailed Warnings** : If the warning/trigger appears as a flashback/scene rather than someone mentioning it, it will not have the word “mention” in the description. **Most of these warnings are only mentioned in passing, and none of the scenes in this chapter go into graphic detail**. I just wanted a very comprehensive list of what’s going on here, just to keep people safe.

  * **Abuse** : Physical (mention), verbal (mention), mental (mention),
  * **Body/Medical Horror** :  Reference to Bucky’s hatred and unease around medical professionals. Nothing descriptive.
  * **Dehumanization** : In a flashback, people act like Bucky is more like a machine or animal than a person.
  * **Eating Disorder** : Bucky doesn’t really eat because he’s either not hungry or thinks he’s not able to eat without getting punished.
  * **Manipulation** : Hints dropped that Bucky is aware that people have lied to him,
  * **Violence/Torture** : Mention of people hurting Bucky in flashbacks,



* * *

 

 **Song** : [“Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3gvckKlBT0) (YouTube link)

This song is more from Steve’s POV, and his feeling around Bucky. While it’s been much more than 100 days to either of them, I like it.

 _“A hundred days have made me older,_ _  
__  
_ _Since the last time I saw your pretty face,_ _  
__  
_ _A thousand lies have made me colder,_ __  
  
And I don’t think I can look at this the same”

It is a bit repetitive, so not my favorite song ever, but it’s a melancholy love song that fits really well with this chapter and Steve’s misguided relief about having Bucky home.

* * *

 

 **Purpose of this chapter** :

Here I start to introduce the issues of Bucky trying to live in close contact with someone else- anyone else, really- and how Steve doesn’t know how to treat him. I also introduce Sophie, a woman who served as one of Bucky’s ‘physical therapist whatever’ with Hydra. She’s the bridge between Hydra and normal life for Bucky, as she cares about him and does her best to keep Bucky healthy.

Also, introduces Bucky’s mentality post-trial, and the clear confusion and conditioning he has internalized so well, he doesn’t even know that he’s doing it.

* * *

_Below is a collection of points I feel like it is beneficial to talk about or mention, including background research or personal headcanons._

  * Bucky’s flashbacks, while frequent, are written in parentheses. They are contained and mild in relevance to flashbacks in later chapters.
  * Steve thinks he understands what to do and how to deal with Bucky, but he doesn’t. He really, _really_ doesn’t.
  * Peggy, Gabe, and Dugan are sort of background characters. I don’t quite know how to deal with them yet, and anything I think of seems awkward so that’s why I avoid them.
  * “But the relationship between the two men is not quite the same as others he has previously seen, but familiar enough so he knows his place”: I want to stress how ingrained the conditioning is to Bucky.
  * Bucky is going out to hunt down Hydra agents and destroy bases, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction of anger, not true understanding of what they did wrong. To Bucky, Hydra had the authority to hurt him. It doesn’t mean it was always deserved, but Bucky still believes he was at fault.



* * *

 

 **Author’s thoughts** :

I got a comment about how it seemed I was reducing Sam to the (and I quote) “magical negro act” and looking at this now, it does seem that way. It was not my intention, and I believe that I’ve given Sam proper characterization later in the fic, but this is probably going to be something I go back and change. I wanted it to seem like Sam was okay with the mess of feelings Steve still has for Bucky, but Sam and Steve are still a ‘thing’, if that makes sense. Polyamory is okay in my books :)

Again, not my favorite chapter. I think I was still trying to find my ‘voice’ and style, so compared to my later chapters this one isn’t as polished. It’s pretty filler stuff, just exposing the range of issues Bucky has with authority and food.

While I do not have an eating disorder, I’ve had issues with food in the recent past dealing with my illness. It’s hard to eat when you’re nauseous and sick all the time, so I’ve had days where the most I can have is crackers and sweet fruit juice. No dairy, no strong foods. In some ways, Bucky sometimes shows the extremes of what I’ve experienced. Chemo is fun, y’all. Totally a blast :///

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I've not been feeling well. And I still need to work on college applications and things, so that's always fun :|
> 
> I had a rather impressive paranoid episode followed by a panic attack, so that was FANTASTIC. Still trying to not freak out in public, but hey, what can I do over my brain?
> 
> Another chapter for W+H is in the works, but only about 20% done. Lots of scenes planned out, but no coherent link between them yet. Oh, well.
> 
> Love you all <3


	3. Explained: "Mourning Star"

**Detailed Warnings** : This chapter has a few graphic, but short flashbacks in it. And then following that is a severe panic attack where Steve and Sophie have to sedate Bucky.   

  * **Abuse** : Physical (flashback), verbal (flashback), allusion to sexual abuse (flashback) and when Steve tries to get Bucky to shower.
  * **Body/Medical Horror** :  Hydra agents cauterize Bucky’s throat for fighting back and screaming, Bucky is brought out of cryo,
  * **Dehumanization/Depersonalization** : Hydra treats Bucky as a thing that is incapable of doing things for himself without pain as a motivator, Bucky and others refer to himself as ‘it’ or ‘pet’ or other demeaning names/insults.
  * **Dissociation** : Bucky feels numb and distant after his flashback. As part of Dissociative Identity Disorder, an alter appears in a flashback and during the panic attack that uses the pronoun ‘it’ to represent itself.
  * **Drug Addiction** : At the last scene, Bucky takes medication from a Hydra safe for himself. Painkillers and epinephrine.
  * **Manipulation** : Pierce is a piece of shit and refer to Bucky as ‘pet’ and generally keeps Bucky on his toes by treating him kindly in one instance but not another (flashback),
  * **Non-consensual Drug Administration** : Steve and Sophie drug Bucky with a sedative so he can calm down from his panic attack,
  * **Panic Attack** : Bucky has a major panic attack after recalling a memory of some hydra agents burning his throat with a hot iron rod for reasons Bucky wasn’t quite sure about.
  * **Violence/Torture** : Burning (flashback), starvation/dehydration (flashback), Bucky tortures a tech and kills an agent, allusion to Bucky killing more people,



* * *

 

 **Song** : [ “Mourning Star” by Gemini Syndrome ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWz9IDcbzdU)

This band. Oh, this band. I love Gemini Syndrome so much, holy shit. I highly suggest checking this song out because it screams ‘Bucky’ to me. I had to include two parts of the song because it fits so well.

 

_“Sick of myself, my world, my life,_

_Get out of my way this truth can’t lie,_

_I stop myself every second I try,_

_Every minute of time is an hour I die,”_

This first part is the opening lyrics of the song, sung at Aaron Nordstrom’s rough almost-shout before transitioning into his normal singing. The first line is how I believe Bucky perceives his life, and the “every minute of time is an hour I die” refers to the constant hopelessness- even if Bucky isn’t consciously acknowledging his emotions.

 

“ _Death would be an ample compensation,_

_Even if it’s my demise,_

_But heaven doesn’t want me…_

_Head to toe in blood and perspiration,_

_I would wipe the tears and lies,_

 

_But heaven disowned me,_

_Now heaven won’t know me!”_

This part, again, really hits the nail on the head on how Bucky would feel about his situation if he was self aware enough to recognize his emotions. Death is an end to all of this; he doesn’t see death as something to fear anymore.

Also, I love the pun in the song title. ‘Mourning’ instead of ‘morning’. A morning star could refer to Venus, Mercury, or a star by the name of Sirius. Most commonly it is said to refer to Venus. Coincidentally, the sign for Venus is the same sign used to represent female sex in biology, and also represents femininity. Venus/Aphrodite, Roman/Greek goddess of love, beauty, and sex (among other things).

In the context of this fic and Bucky’s relationship with Steve, Steve serves as Bucky’s point of reference… a morning star if you will. But because of Steve’s grief and Bucky’s trauma, they are both in _mourning._ Ah, get it? :D

* * *

 

 **Purpose of this chapter** :

Bucky’s issues living with Steve are now very apparent. He’s not sure what to expect from Steve, and is hyper-aware of everything that Steve does or says to him. In the past, this was the safest way to deal with handlers. If Bucky could predict their moods and desires, he could try to be agreeable and avoid punishment.

Sophie is brought in deeper into the story and Steve offers her an olive branch to make peace since she does help Bucky more than Steve does.

Steve starts to show some frustration following Bucky’s panic attack when Bucky wakes up-still half drugged- and freaks out. Taking care of someone is hard; Steve has to learn how to deal with Bucky’s problems now that Bucky is home.

* * *

 

_Below is a collection of points I feel like it is beneficial to talk about or mention, including background research or personal headcanons._

  * Bucky’s flashbacks have started to bleed a little. After he has the flashback of people torturing him for the hell of it, Bucky’s mind can’t block it out. This is the first instance of Bucky’s DID showing up. He is ‘it’ in the second flashback and subsequent panic attack. It’s a way for Bucky to distance himself from what was happening to him because ‘it’ was the one who was experiencing it. While that usually works, because ‘it’ emerged in the panic attack with its memories, the flashback could no longer be contained.
  * During the panic attack, I wanted to express the sheer amount of panic that one feels, so I tried to mimic how one’s brain jumps from thoughts to threats with lots of half-formed phrases. But overall there is a desire for the panic to stop because you’re _terrified._
  * Sam and Steve share food all the time, just because. (Okay, well most of it is because Steve is hungry all of the time). I don’t do romance IRL, so hopefully the relationship between the two of them is real enough. I loved writing that cookie scene between Sam and Steve so much, it actually surprised me.
  * HUGE point about Pierce: He was going to be Bucky’s next handler regardless of what he looked like, but because young Pierce looks so much like Steve, it was too perfect and too easy to get the Soldier compliant. Pierce is a dangerous manipulator; he’s able to see Bucky’s reactions and pick them apart in order to twist Bucky into doing what Pierce wants.
  * Bucky makes the connection between Pierce and Steve. As expected, this dredges up feelings of confusion and betrayal, so Bucky leaves Steve’s apartment to deal with it.
  * When Bucky goes on his little Christmas rampage, the Soldier is the one in charge. He is more verbal than anyone else, able to trick people into giving up information (threatening the tech’s kids to get the medication safe code)



* * *

 

 **Author’s thoughts** :

I like this chapter. I had the hardest time deciding what to include in flashbacks… what context and even how much or how little to show. I want to readers to understand that some of Bucky’s memories are of horrible, unspeakable things that happened to him. As for DID, I was pleased with the emerging distinction between Bucky’s alters: the Soldier and the unnamed ‘it’.

Here is where I feel like I started to get settled into my writing style, as this style is consistent for many following chapters (later, I try to be more descriptive).

I’ve had a few really bad panic attacks, and I was happy with how I felt I translated the panic and fear into words when Bucky has his panic attack.

All in all, I love that this chapter starts to really push the plot along in terms of Bucky’s relationship with other people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter in the original fic is taking a while just because these scenes need to be fleshed out and detailed. I'm really trying to get the plot moving again and so many things need to happen with so many characters. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing well! Stay safe and take care of yourselves <3


	4. Explained: "Lost It All"

**Detailed Warnings** : Bucky has flashbacks that quickly spiral out of control, but nothing in the warning is happening presently besides what Steve does to help (but ‘help’ from Steve is not what Bucky thinks it should be, so Bucky thinks Steve is just like another handler).   

  * **Abuse** : blanket cover for mention/allusion to physical/sexual/mental abuse to Bucky in flashbacks, 
  * **Body/Medical Horror** : Description/flashback of Hydra force feeding Bucky with a feeding tube when Bucky is conscious,
  * **Dehumanization/Depersonalization** : Typical Hydra fuckery of Bucky being treated like he lacks the intelligence or capability to do anything for himself, Pierce refers to Bucky as ‘pet’ and places himself in a position of authority and power over Bucky,
  * **Dissociation** : Mention of Bucky’s preference to dissociate when he’s being hurt, he dissociates when Steve is touching him to help him after throwing up,
  * **Drug Addiction** : Bucky takes diazepam to reduce his anxiety around Steve, 
  * **Manipulation** : Mention of a field handler not punishing Bucky right away but preferring to let Bucky wait in dreaded anticipation, Bucky believes that Steve is trying to trick and manipulate him, Pierce is a fucking piece of shit and manipulates Bucky always (in a flashback)
  * **Non-Con/Rape** : in a flashback, Pierce rapes Bucky (he dissociates and it isn’t graphic, but it happens)
  * **Panic Attack** : Bucky is still very anxious and slips in and out of panic attacks (some more severe than others)
  * **Self-blame** : Bucky has internalizes the idea that it is his fault for getting punished/tortured by Hydra, Bucky thinks that he doesn’t deserve people being kind/nice to him.
  * **Throwing Up/Vomiting** : Mention of Bucky throwing up more than once (in flashback and afterward)
  * **Violence/Torture** : Mention of Hydra agents torturing Bucky because they can, mention of starvation,



* * *

 

**Song** :  [ “Lost It All” by Black Veil Brides ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlDHbX7aUIM)

> _ “I ruled the world,  _
> 
> _ With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground, _
> 
> _ I laid the gods to rest. _
> 
> _ I held the key to the kingdom, _
> 
> _ Lions guarding castle walls, _
> 
> _ Hail the king of death.” _

When Bucky was still with Hydra as TWS, he was powerful and in control during his missions. It makes sense that he’d miss that part of his life because that was the only time he believed himself to be a threat to others. Now, Bucky is lost and unsure of himself because nothing is familiar.

* * *

 

**Purpose of this chapter** : 

I delve deeper into the complex issues surrounding Bucky’s trauma like touch, the desire to please, and how Bucky believes that Steve is another handler. I want the readers to understand how serious and conditioned Bucky’s thoughts are about the entire situation- Bucky is the first to blame himself for the actions of everyone else, and expects the worst from Steve. Bucky has yet to differentiate between Hydra and Steve; he sees his world as only another aspect of Hydra’s control. 

_ Below is a collection of points I feel like it is beneficial to talk about or mention, including background research or personal headcanons. _

  * The inclusion of the ‘social media’ sections of the fic are put in as a way to portray opinions on different points throughout the fic. In this case, the chapter starts off with comments from a CNN news article in which TWS is reported to have torn apart another Hydra cell.
  * Again, here’s the issue of Bucky and food presented in this chapter. 
  * I don’t know if you have read “Lilies with Full Hands” by refusals, but I allude to her fic with the line about Steve wanting to pull the toast out manually because the sound might startle Bucky. ( “Lilies” is the reason why I am writing this fic to be 100% honest… because I am a sucker for recovery pain.)
  * Whenever Bucky is ‘calm’ or seemingly well adjusted, it’s a mix of ‘The Soldier’ and the ‘guardian/gatekeeper’ that keeps Bucky presentable and in control of himself. It is a manufactured response that keeps Bucky aware and on top of anything that a handler pull.
  * Bucky’s issue with not using formal titles when talking to Steve face to face is tied to the fact that any time Bucky was ‘disrespectful’, he could be punished. So now it’s second nature for Bucky to always use formal titles/ranks when speaking to anyone he perceives as an authority figure. 
  * When Bucky throws up after a flashback, another reason he is so panicky afterward is because Steve is very close to him, full body contact to support Bucky so he won’t fall over. But Bucky, of course, perceives this as Steve asserting his control because Steve could do anything to Bucky.
  * Bucky sits on the floor at Steve’s feet because he’s used to sitting there at the requests of his handlers: it mimics the idea of TWS as a dog having a master, sitting obediently at his owner’s feet. And- worse- if a handler decided that Bucky was to provide sexual gratification, he’s already on the floor within reach.
  * The flashback with Pierce in it is a disturbing example of how Pierce manipulated Bucky into doing anything for him because of Bucky’s desire to have someone touching him and _not hurting him_. Touch is a huge aspect of human behavior- limiting Bucky in this area leads to depression and attachment issues because it is human nature to be social creatures. Oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, is actually better known for “facilitating trust and attachment” between people when someone is touched or around someone they love (Wikipedia “Oxytocin”). Also, Oxytocin is believed to increase sensitivity to social cues such as body language and tone that lead to negative emotions such as fear and anxiety. Here is this lovely gem from the Wikipedia.com section under ‘Fear and Anxiety’: “Rats that are genetically modified to have a surplus of oxytocin receptors **display a greater fear response to a previously conditioned stressor** ” (Wikipedia “Oxytocin”). Isn’t that fucking terrible? This means that Bucky would react with stronger amounts of fear to something bad he knows about beforehand. Here’s another effect of this very important social hormone: “Trust is increased by oxytocin”. Not only will Bucky feel greater fear, but also he will tend to trust people more regardless. I could go on and on, but if you want to read more, go to [Wikipedia’s article on Oxytocin ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin)to have your heart broken. (Although this hormone cannot be given intravenously because it cannot cross the blood-brain barrier, a nasal spray of Oxytocin gets around that so very conveniently!). Another fun fact: it is known as the “bonding hormone”, and oxytocin can impair memory retrieval to skew it towards positive experience recollection.  



* * *

 

**Author’s thoughts** :

This chapter is another one I like; Steve and Bucky’s interactions are how I want it to be and Bucky’s behavior has all of these different aspects tied to it for the readers to see. We start getting into very serious issues of Bucky living with Steve and what Bucky thinks Steve expects from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, still working on chapter 9 of War + Hell. I promise, promise that I'm about to have way more free time so I can write more!


	5. Explained: "In Chains"

**Detailed Warnings** : A continuation of the last chapter: post-major flashback and panic attacks. Steve and Bucky have very different ideas of what exactly is going on between them. 

  * **Abuse** : blanket cover for mention/allusion to physical/sexual/mental abuse to Bucky in flashbacks, 
  * **Dehumanization/Depersonalization** : Standard Hydra interactions with Bucky where they don’t treat him as a person and by extension, Bucky doesn’t feel deserving of human decency. 
  * **Dissociation** : Bucky distances himself from the pain in his weird dream/memory.  
  * **Manipulation** : Bucky thinks he has to beg/do something for Steve in order to get painkillers for a migraine, 
  * **Non-Con/Rape** : Allusions to non-con touching/etc, Rumlow mentions Bucky having to perform sexual tasks for handlers in passing, handlers/field agents take advantage of Bucky (mentioned or alluded to, nothing graphic), 
  * **Self-blame** : Bucky believes that he ‘owes’ Steve and Sam for being nice to him, 
  * **Suicidal Idealization** : In a brief moment of clarity during a mission Bucky tries to get the target to kill him. 
  * **Violence/Torture** : Bucky has a memory/dream blend of experiences of him killing a family and subsequent punishment for the job not being clean, mention of punishment for not completing a mission in the time frame



* * *

 

**Song** :  [ “In Chains” by Shaman's Harvest ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mize_0SEwY)

_ “Angel of death and mercy, come take me from this cage. _

_ ‘Cause these four walls and iron bars have been witness to the rage, _

_ Of a thousand broken hearts and chains.” _

Something about this song really draws me in. The song’s narrative doesn’t quite fit either Bucky’s or Steve’s point of view, but it works somehow. I don’t have much to say about this song, really, other than I like it and I get some nice War+Hell vibes from it. And his voice is soothing to listen to when writing.

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**Purpose of this chapter** : 

This chapter’s most important goal was to introduce Rumlow into the mix. He stands as a representative of Bucky’s past, as not an enemy but as a character with uncertain history and motives. And yet, Bucky’s familiarity with him makes him a preferred choice over Steve- who reminds Bucky just a little too much like Pierce. 

Sam talks to Steve about expectations- specifically, how Steve is going to manage to help Bucky when Bucky resists them as much as he resists anyone else. It’s exhausting taking care of someone who actively tries to avoid help and does not care about what happens to them. This emerging issue will come to a head soon...

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_ Below is a collection of points I feel like it is beneficial to talk about or mention, including background research or personal headcanons. _

  * Sam is a multi-faceted character, and so sometimes I feel like I am not doing him justice. He is a peer support specialist with the VA, but it’s my personal opinion that Sam wouldn’t want to take his work home with him. Bucky represents a lot to Sam: a fellow veteran, someone from Steve’s past, a dangerous enemy, and false hope (Bucky came back for Steve, but Riley isn’t coming back for Sam). 
  * Steve doesn’t want to sedate Bucky when he panics because then Steve doesn’t see himself any better than Hydra, while Sam knows that people can be a threat to themselves and others. Steve’s well-meant intentions do not erase Bucky’s wariness and distrust of people. It’s going to take time. 
  * Ah, migraines. For those of you who have not experienced one, thank your genetics and circumstance that you have avoided this particular living hell. Imagine that every single one of your senses causes unbearable pain to the point where you want to throw up and sit in a dark room for the rest of the week. You’re hypersensitive, nauseous (some people throw up), and it feels like you have someone hammering away at your skull with an axe… from the inside. Thankfully, medication can take a migraine away (usually). My preferred treatment is medication, a long-ass hot shower, and then I sleep until I feel better. Bucky is skeptical of medical treatment for a very rational reason (to him). Doctors/medical professionals do not only represent an authority that can take away pain, but cause it.
  * As for the weird dream/memory Bucky imagines, I believe that due to gaslighting, the reaction to trauma, as well as his memory loss that Bucky would have a hard time separating reality from fiction. Medication has the ability to cause crazy vivid dreams (personal experience here). In combination with his subconscious pulling ideas and instances from his past, Bucky’s dreams are a sludge of real people/targets and events but either bizarre or not quite the same as what he’s experienced. Memories he cannot remember can also be seen as fiction, even if they are true. 
  * Steve’s starting to stress out but he’s determined to not do anything he views as ‘terrible’ to Bucky. The problem is that Bucky’s fears are so encompassing that Steve can’t hope to avoid everything that causing Bucky fear. Taking care of someone like Bucky is a huge commitment of time, energy, and mental health. Steve- a notorious sacrificial lamb- thinks that he can sustain this kind of care given to Bucky, while Sam is more realistic in goals. 
  * The little flashback Steve has will be minorly edited soon. I’ve thought it over and decided that the reference to Steve’s jab at a relationship with Bucky is not appropriate for how I want their backstory to go. (And I initially planned to also write a Howling Commandos-era fic, but at the rate my writing speed is now, that’s not going to happen for a long while). 
  * Enter Rumlow! Is it bad I love him as a character? His dynamic with Bucky is unique from the sense of how Bucky views Rumlow and how Rumlow treats Bucky. I’d argue that Rumlow-like anyone else- can do good deeds while having bad intentions. Rumlow’s view of the Soldier reflects his idea that the Soldier exists on a plane between human and animal. It hasn’t been shown much yet, but the part of Bucky that handles most of the missions in the heat of the moment (The Soldier) can regress to be very animalistic at times, expressing himself in ways other than words due to the fact that he was expected not to talk, much less argue with a handler. Rumlow has a history of working with dogs (specifically, military related working dogs) and that background combined with his ability to take almost anything in stride made him a perfect candidate to serve as the Soldier’s field handler.
  * Rumlow’s history with Bucky will be explored further, but at a later date.



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**Author’s thoughts** :

Again, I’m pleased with how this chapter turned out. I liked the introduction to Rumlow, the continued exploration and evolution of Bucky’s issues with Steve and living in general. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been quite some time since I've done one of these, and even longer since I've updated the fic itself. I've been very busy with school and art, but it should die down somewhat... maybe? I have terrible writer's block, but hopefully this can get me motivated to finish the monster of a chapter I have in the works (it's 12k words and still growing!). 
> 
> Happy Holidays, everyone! Stay warm and safe, would you?

**Author's Note:**

> if I think of anything else that needs to be added, I'll do that later.


End file.
